Open and Raw

I took this pic the night before I came to Corpus from the drive-in, I just like the sky and the pumpjack... it's comforting- if only the cars weren't in it..

(insert one of my cousin's amazing works of authorship here...) Sorry, I'm not gifted with words. So...

I keep doing things to make it better. I try to trust in God, but I feel like it's blind faith right now. I was talking to a friend about God the other day (she doesn't believe), and when she asked what he had done in my life, I couldn't answer her. I made up some feel-good answer that in no way convinced her of anything. What have I done wrong that I can't even remember the good he has done for me right now? It's not like I was murdering Christians until I saw the light, he didn't help me defeat Goliath for the world to see...

Does God leave us sometimes to teach us we can't do it on our own? to teach us to depend on others? to teach us we need him? When he does so, does he stay close-by to grab us before we quit and turn to the world completely?

I say this because not only me, but at least a couple of my friends are in the same place. Spiritually obviously is the main thing, but with our jobs, our place in life... it's difficult right now. Who knows how many others are here as well. But please pray.

I feel stuck. I don't want to be here. I'm in debt more than you can imagine, so I'm stuck working a job that doesn't matter for the next 50 years to pay it off. Then, if I do a law job that does matter (legal aide or something else) then I'll be working for 80 years to pay it off before I can ever do anything useful. I know I can do good while I'm working a pointless job too, but everything I've tried doesn't work- at least from my perspective. "You will know them by their fruit"- where is mine? So, two people have found God through me, but how long ago was that? What good have I done since then?

I apologize for the rant. But I'm tired of faking it. Tired of putting on a smile and saying 'I'm fine'- because I'm not (and neither are my friends and others surely). I don't want the whole world to know my struggles, but I need the whole church to pray for me and others- we can't do it alone. For the past year I've just kept slipping backward. I'm falling into temptations I haven't struggled with in years. I thought I was trusting in God, I thought I was faithful, but why am I failing?

I'm not giving up on God. I know he is the only strength I will ever have. I know he is the only 'thing' that matters. I know he is life. I just need to be reminded of these things so badly in some sort of tangible way (I know this may never come, but ...). Nothing has even happened to me (thank you Lord) compared to Job and he came out on top- I'm far from having the faith and strength that he did. But I'm working on it- he's working on me- however painful it may be right now...