I need help. I've led myself into a place I don't belong. I'm in a place where I'm cynical about God and others, I don't even try anymore to control what I say- whether it be bad language or idle talk or judgemental crap. I'd never cussed a single day in my life until a time in high school when things got really difficult. I didn't think I even struggled with it, but I just decided that cussing would help get some anger out. Now, I THINK bad words- that is hard to quit even if I can stop them from coming out of my mouth. Even more than that is talking about people- maybe its just someone with a big nose on tv or saying things that aren't mean, just unnecessary and certainly not building anyone up.
I've gotten lax in my relationship with God- which apparently is a "nice" way of skirting the issue- that I gave up for a while. I wasn't giving or getting anything at church- I didn't even want to go- exept to say hi to a few people- very few-I've never made the effort to get to know anyone besides those in our diminishing class. I blame it on moving soon and it being my way to draw away before I leave for real to make it easier then, and that may be to some degree, but I forgot, no, CHOSE to ignore Christ and that it isn't about me, but him.
I blamed it on classes where we'd meet, read 3 verses, and sit waiting for some people to share their thoughts (which I feel is a problem in classes. I think there is a place for all of our opinions and thoughts, but not when we are starved of the Word- replacing it with our own words- anyway) and so I don't ever really learn or share anything. But I haven't studied on my own in weeks.
I need help. Please pray that my relationship with God grows and that my speech is pure. I've passed the place where I don't care, but I'm not in a place where I'm craving God yet either. I need to be, I want to be- I need to focus on Christ and not on me- I'm trying.
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