Anyone can appreciate this. It's good stuff. Even if you're one of the lucky ones who didn't chose to go into the legal field- you should be at least mildly entertained.
Jonathan Lee Riches (c) [apparently he thinks his name is copyrighted and puts the circled 'c' after his name in his complaints] is in federal prison and has way too much time on his hands. He has filed handwritten complaints against almost everyone and everything. One of his earlier "suits" had a 57 page list of defendants including (with all the spelling and typographical errors):
President George Bush
Dick Cheney
Condoleeza Rice
Tony Snow
Uniform Commercial Code
Other random government employees
Hilary Clinton
The Pope
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
Usama bin laden
Bill Gates
John Deere Tractors
John Deere Tractors
Adolf Hitler's National Socialist Party
Island Def Jam Music Group
Shawn Carter d/b/a JAY Z
RJ Reyolds "Tobaco"
Gambino Crime Family
Nuclear Power Plant
Tony Danza
Isamic Republic of Iran
University of Miami
Geico Insurance
Vienna Convention
The Salvation Army
CNN
Magna Carta
Tsunami Victims
Red Cross
Houston Chronicle
Fruit of a-Loom
Donald Trump
Outback Steakhouse
The Taliban
Meals on Wheels
John Grisham
Columbine High School
UPS
George Orwell
Kelly Clarkson
Plato
The Lincoln Memorial
OSHA
Various Budhist Monks
Christopher Reeves Widow
John Walsh, Host of America's Most Wanted
City of Crawford Texas
Medieval Times
Anna Nicole Smith
Brotherhood of the Snake
Larry King Live 9PM on CNN
Wu Tang Clan
New York Stock Exchange
The Da Vinci Code
Holocaust Survivors
Mt. Rushmore
King James Bible
The European Union
Gangs in Hong Kong
Verne Minne Me
Statue of Liberty
Fidel Castro
Kim Jong Il
Fort Knox
Phil Donahue
Yale Skull and Bones
Jimmy Dean Sausage Co
The Olsen Twins
Notre Dame
The Appalachian Trail
Nostradamus
Marco Polo
WKRP in Cincinnati
Fabio
Garden of Eden
Viagra
Louis XV
Planet of Pluto
The Virgin Mary
48th Annual Grammy Awards
Weird Al
Skittles Candy
His claims are even better:
Riches v. David and Victoria Beckham: "Soccer Piracy" -
- Riches (c) seeks 3 billion dollars to be paid to George Soros.
- He alleges a "mega conspiracy with Beckham and Major League Soccer. Beckham uses soccer balls that [are] satellite precision guided. British agent James Bond and Pakistani Intelligence sit in the stands with a remote. Soccer balls are mobbed into the net after Beckham touches it. Beckham goal stats go up, more commercials for him. He gets a Key to any U.S. city. Iraqi National bank loot. Beckham kicks back funds to Buckingham palace."
- He also states that for his 30th birthday, he was given a "Mattel soccer ball" that gave him lead poisoning, and causing a "Major chemical imbalance."
- Riches (c) alleged horrific things against Victoria: "Posh Spice is bulimic. Posh visited me at FCI Williamsburg on June 10, 2007. Ate the whole vending machine then used a porta potty," and also that she "uses Old Spice deodorant."
- He even explains freak accidents that have recently occured : "Sunday August 27th, 2007 Beckham was in Clearwater Florida for a scientology briefing with Tom Cruise. Beckham kicked a soccer ball in front of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan’s Toyota Supra. Making Nick crash. Beckham tried to run away. A soccer kick cover up."
- Apparently Beckham had it out for Riches (c): according to Riches "In the 90’s Beckham dropped soccer balls on me from the Empire StateBuilding. Beckham also told Frenchman Zadane to head butt me last month."
- Finally he requests relief in the form of a restraining order against the Beckhams since they "have intercepted my mind since the March of Dimes." Riches (c) has also had "nightmares of soccer abuse." [I think the Beckhams are in CA, and Riches (c) is in a South Carolina federal prison]
Riches v. Carrie Underwood: "Country Music Scandal" -
- Riches (c) claims to have copyrighted title to Carrie's hit songs including "Jonathan Lee Riches, He Delicious"
- Carrie is also "unpatriotic" as evidenced by: 1) burning her bra at concerts, 2) serenading communist soldiers, 3) text messaging the dixie chicks, and 4) being friends with Cindy Sheehan.
- She is also inhumane: she apparently picks on blind people at Wal-Mart.
- He claims she hired two Milli Vanilli look-alikes to jump him in the prison rec yard, steal his larynx, and thus take his constitutional right to free speech away
- He tries to get an injuction from watching country music television via satellite.
Riches v. Jeff Gordon: "Recklessly Drivin My Life Crazy" -
- Gordon is acused of racing drunk, his car can travel through time and has a trap door where Gordon drops oil and tic tacs onto the raceway, and apparently Gordon and the number 24 (Gordon's car's number) are out to get Riches (c).
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